Unpacking the Anti-Treasure
Drai Bearwomyn. About 2016 Women's Weekend.
I had no idea what I was ‘getting myself into’ when I signed up for the Goodenough Community’s Women’s Weekend. I had kernels of trust and a great deal of hope based on my experiences with the Hoff’s and several of the GEC people in past years. However, I had not experienced “their way” before, and was both curious and nervous.
It proved critically invaluable to the future of my vitality and development. No small thing that.
I have been on a long journey with many, many stones, shards of glass and boulders along my path. I’ve worked hard at growing, learning and improving. In many ways I have succeeded mightily, often alone, despite it all. (We decided at this council that not only did Spirit hold my hand these 5 decades, but that instead Spirit literally must have just been sitting on top of my head! Blessed be for that!)
AND in the past few years have found myself at a hurdle I could not leap. Much like a horse on the Dressage Course.... I met the next high gate in full run, then at the last minute skidded to a dead halt and turned the other way... Never finding my way OVER – I just could not see the way. I had a problem I could not sort, I did not understand, I could not leap over and frankly it was really effecting my life. This ‘problem’ of mine was keeping me from certain degrees of peace and forward motion in my relationships and my business. Several of my near dear Long Dance Sisters have worked so kindly with me. They emailed, talked, sung, held me, cried with me, talked LOUDER, all the while. They tried and tried to explain this thing I was missing that I had kept asking about and still... Nothing. I simply did not get ‘it.’
A tickle started when Colette began, quite some time ago, maybe 2 years, to speak to me of “Emotions vs Feelings.” Again, I listened, I asked, I listened more and still DID NOT GET IT. We are talking Osha Quality Highly Lit, Concrete with rebar style road block. I consider myself a highly intelligent woman with a great deal of passion and commitment. I WANTED to see. I had this feeling THIS might be the missing cog for the next turn of the wheel.... But I COULD NOT GET IT.
And then... The Women’s Weekend. I SAW IT. I SAW ALL OF IT. SUDDENLY DECADES OF THINGS FELL IN PLACE. Heaven’s, oh dear, oh my, I saw the missing pieces and I saw what I had done to myself and others as a result. Catharsis. Aha. Glory be. Oh shit. I saw it all.
It was so painful, so freakin’ sad sad sad, so embarrassing, so exciting, so inspiring, so much...and so hopeful.
I am beyond grateful for this – not even understanding much of it yet – I already FEEL it in my body. I begin a new practice and lifestyle now.
As I reflect, I clearly understand that much of my success in this portion of my quest was enabled by the kind, loving, heart-sourced, educated, wise and EXPERIENCED Colette. Her decades of work, peeling the onion, reading, tying the strands together; blended with her hundreds of thousands of hours reallllly working WITH people in relationship became MY GIFT to receive. There will never be enough words Colette for the depth of my gratitude.
Dears Hollis & Joan, as our Elder Leaders.... And the strength of courage and compassion of the Leadership team... Whoosh. Spirit was wise enough to bring me to your doorstep at this time for this awakening and healing.
I saw it. I understood this part. AND I understood WHY I could not see it before – which actually was the most enormous relief of all. Life altering.
I look forward to seeing who I get to become next. I look forward to immersing myself in new tools and choices. I look forward to filling my blessing basket with the results.
When I got home... I found myself interested in a quote I found, of all places in a SciFi book?! As follows:
“She tried to recapture their fragile moments of peace, but maybe all such moments were fleeting. If the good ones fleet, so must the bad ones. If you don’t pack them up and carry them with you like...like anti-treasure.”
It made me smile. I liked the language and realize I have been carrying anti-treasure around with me for decades, somewhat unawares. It has informed likely the bulk of my decision making. I have, this weekend, come to not only NOT go to shame over this, but thank myself. Those choices, as that time, was all that had to be done, used and created in order to LITERALLY SURVIVE. So Yeah me!
It is with agreement in this group that I will now revisit this anti-treasure, peel away what needs to be gleaned and then as graciously as I am able, to put it in the box of perspective, in it’s right place and move forward...differently. More maturely. More. More friendly and thank the gods...more easily with new understandings. I have chosen to lay down unhealthful and un-useful choice based on damage. AHO.
I thank these women, leaders and attending sisters all, for surrounding surround me. For showing courage. For disallowing me my own self abuse. For shining a flashlight on their stories, grieves, joys and teachings for me to absorb and consider. For the songs. For the humor. For the holding, the REAL holding. For the hugs. For the love. For the willingness.
Yes. For this womyn. Life changing...
Watch...you might, in the dark of the night under a shiny holy mother moon...see me out of the corner of your eye LEAPING HORSE OVER HURDLE!
Wont it be grand?!!
[After reading this story, a women sent me this video. YES! YES!]
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